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How do/did you come up with your “rules”


My husband and I have been in the Lifestyle since our third month together. As a single woman I had always been interested in exploring it but never found anyone to explore it with me. On our second date he told me that he and his late wife had "kinda been swingers." That meant that she often brought home women for them to play with. He wanted to continue this and wanted to be sure I was interested as well before he became more interested in me. I said hell yeah let's look into this! The club scene was going to be new to both of us. We talked about what we thought we would be comfortable with and jumped right in.

We now have 3 years in the lifestyle and we are still examining our rules and adjusting them as we go along. We have a group on SLS with over 430 members and it is still growing every day. We've started our group on Kasadie.com ,SDC and now have a yahoo groups page as well. We have been involved with running and building 2 swingers clubs with friends. Let me just say we have met a ton of people. The good, the bad, the HOT and the ugly!

The question we are asked most often by 'newbies' is what our rules should be. I always say how can we decide that's for you? I have discouraged people from entering the LS because I could see their relationships were not strong enough and I was always right. I tell everyone that each couple has to make their own rules but first and most importantly you have to have a strong loving relationship. Without that there can't be rules!

Most couples start out with the no kissing rule. I tell them that this rule will be out the window faster than you can say.....Oh s/he is HOT! As swingers we tend to greet with a kiss. Be it a peck or a hard core smooch! No single men or women....haha give that one up too. (Yes there really are single women in the LS) We know now how hard it is to find one person you like, imagine finding two people you both have to agree on. Yes, we have had the couple that we both had the hots for and had great sex with but it never lasts. I am not sure why but it doesn't.

The 'you can't play unless I get to play too' rule. Well this may work for some but I don't think it lasts long for most either. I know that I personally like to line up a few guys in the hopes that it will happen with one! Things don't always work out as planned! I think we have all spent the evening trying to close the deal to only go home having not gotten any. Luckily we are all crazy about sex so we go home to sex up our partners! At this point in our journey we are adjusting yet another one of our rules. We have never gone off alone to meet someone at their house or one of us had someone over when the other didn't as well. We have now done this a few times as we have both found someone we like and the other trusts. Even this started out with us saying that one of us couldn't go see our 'other' person unless we both got to. We were trying to organize 4 schedules to coincide. Now we are working on just being comfortable with a once a week tryst. If one of us has someone so be it. We talked about how when at a club both of us don't always get lucky so, how is it different if one of us does outside of the club. It took us 3 years to get to this point.

The biggest issue we have seen has been with couples and their rules is that they are not always being honest with each other. Not talking about their wants, desires & needs. Not discussing when one of you thinks its time to adjust one of it not all of your rules. We have been guilty of this ourselves and laughed at our reasoning for not telling the other what we wanted. After all, isn't the lifestyle about fulfilling every want, need and desire?

Every couple we have ever met has a different set of rules. Every one of you have to test the waters on what you both feel works for you. Sure you should ask other people what their rules are. You will need to know them before you get naked with them any way. Yes, you should make a list and stick to it until you and your spouse decide otherwise. The best rule I can give you to stick to is be honest and open and willing to change any rule you make.

This article was wriiten by Shanna. Contributing Editor for Caramel Craze Interracial Swingers Magazine. Also head of marketing at the Velvet Curtain in Dallas !

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